Despite her gratitude, each morning Joy woke up to a sense of incompleteness, which more often than not followed her throughout the day. Her spiritual practices helped her to gain some kind of perspective on this emotional and mental malaise. Yet, at the same time, Joy was convinced that meditation and contemplation had actually caused the unease to get stronger.
Some spiritual thinkers linked mental and emotional turmoil to the rational mind, saying it was its natural state of being. The lower mind, intrinsically connected with time and space, was always looking back or looking forwards, creating feelings of anxiety, fear, guilt, desire… Joy had found a partial liberation by her gradual recognition that she was not her rational mind, or rather, that her lower mind was only a part of who she was; a part that was pretending to be the whole; a part that was fooling the entire human race by keeping it imprisoned in the mental illusion of separateness, where greed and fear were the normal states of consciousness.
Joy knew all of this. It wasn’t just a theory for her. It was something she sensed to be the Truth very deep within herself. So, why was she unable to stay connected to a feeling of inner peace? Inner peace was in the now. She touched it at times – momentarily. It was a relief – that’s the best word to describe it – when she was in contact with it. She was only able to hold that state of consciousness for seconds, maybe minutes, however, then it vanished and she was once again painfully face-to-face with her dissatisfaction and unease.
Excerpt from My Name is Joy
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